Hey,

At least you have this really beautiful cat that loves you.

The moment will arrive with applause

There’s somethin’ about leavin’ the big city that gets your juices flowin’
But the thought of fleeing pulls at you.

What if something terrible happens?
What if you find something better?

S’pose you catch yourself asking those questions from time to time, despite the circumstances.
You’re insides are twisting with nerve and worry and excitement!

(Inspirational quotes suggest you gain confidence from doing things that frighten you)

This helps.

What keeps your blood at ease is the thought of finding yourself once more. You are no longer burdened with fillings up of your alone time, you no longer have to worry about catering to your employers (sort of), and you don’t have to worry about a bigger picture, a what if, or entertain the inevitable ‘is this it?’.

Because you are plunking yourself into adventure.

Tally-ho!

crippling self doubt

It sickens you, really.
But you'd never be able to say just what it is that pulls you into consciousness.
Because the insecurity eats at you more than anything.

You get a sudden reality check from it squeezing through onto the other side. Curious, you question how strange it is to see it emerge from one form into another. It takes a different shape and colour.
Like the weight of yourself in a body of water coming up into something bright and new.

What isn't madness? Isn't life madness?

This song's so good, it'd make you want to cut off your own finger, I mean, tattoo your own finger.

There is no earth visible below their doomed hides.

You often find your abilities in not giving fuck are what attract people most.
People cling to your carelessness, praise and compliment you for it.
Of course, this is all very situational.
Of course, this is all very selfish of you to note.

These creatures like you when you offer them anything; be it a good time (not sexually, although probably sexually), a flirtatious smack on the arm, a precious compliment, a cute joke, repetitive flattery, free beer, pretty company.  

Yet they often say that what you see in others is a derivative of yourself.

And you cling to what these people say about you, telling yourself over and over again.
Convincing yourself, making yourself up of their opinions that happened to spill out of their blabbering and drooling mouths after a night of drugs n' booze.

That's when we tell the truth, right? What we want, right?
Ah, what a dangerous and boring thing.

They saw so many strange faces they didn't know whom to trust

Come down sweetheart! Come on down, don't be shy.

But alas, you are shy! Easily frightened.
You've seen what happens on the other side, knew what it was like to welter indoors for days, waste away to skin and bone, eyes puffy and swollen, for you have felt the huff of an unfair n' weakened man.

Though the differences in the love jolt you! Awakens you!
It makes you feel silly to of even scaled him to anyone else.
Makes you wonder how you get to see these parts of him.
Oh, these parts you've grown to be unspeakably fond of. You could roll around with him for days on end (as you've often done before in the warmth of the sheets and candle light).

There are these qualities and tiny habits that make you weak in the knees.
The way his hands find you in the morning, how happy he is to face a new day.
His brain that is as quick as yours, if not quicker, though you'd never want him to know.

You pour yourself over him.
Again.
And again.

Something changed inside my heart- now I'm unsure of everything.

"Closed up like a fist. You've been sleeping in the wild."

Here you sin, alone and well.
It seems your mind is playing a trick on you tonight. Certainly now with relapsing memories of a past love, one so faint and vague, one that makes you feel uneasy, one that you should no longer grab at hopelessly.
It's decorated and skewed.
What it seems you miss most now is being able to grab at him, to kiss him all over relentlessly. Having it for your own, the intimacy with someone you like and can be around for a while.

Because now you worry about what it is your doing with your lips, if they like being touched in the way you do it. You worry if they mind the taste of you, if they notice what you hate about yourself, if they care.
There are these games to play now and it seems you've forgotten the rules.
You've been vulnerable with someone who loved you and now you think they all care about you in the way that he did.
You're tough, though. You'll make it. You are almost there now.

Thoughts of him reading this flicker in your brain. You're uneasy about hurting his feelings in the way he's hurt yours. Well, not quite in the same way but pain cannot be gauged within bounds of a broken heart. He'd never taken a vast interest in you anyhow and he's not as sensitive as you give him credit for.

It's not like you are doing unwell for yourself. You've met people!
You drink now and laugh and come home to your bed. You hardly get angry. You hardly feel guilty. And you hardly cry!

The boy you have around now is cute. The both of you are the same style.
His spelling isn't quite up to par but he cherishes you, brings you wine, and candies to cure your sickness when you're feeling low. Who knows if it'll last? Who cares!
You laugh now and look forward to your future.